Trigger Warning: This post discusses eating disorders , Stigma and mental health struggles.
For many, the term "eating disorder" conjures up images of extreme thinness or an obsession with food. However, these disorders are far more complex than a simple fixation on weight or diet. Eating disorders are often misunderstood because they can manifest in individuals who don’t fit the stereotypical image of someone with an eating disorder. Society's fixation on weight can obscure the reality that these disorders are about much more than numbers on a scale. They are about control, self-worth, trauma, and emotional pain. To reduce them to mere weight issues is to overlook the profound psychological struggles that underpin them. I wanted to share my experiences of living in a larger body, managing Type 1 diabetes, and battling an eating disorder.
I hesitated at first when thinking about writing this post because I wanted to ensure I had something meaningful to say something that could help others feel less alone, not just another story that would go unread. While thinking how i was going to write this blog i kept constantly coming back to the same question over and over again Who decided that people in larger bodies could not have an eating disorders? Weight often becomes a barrier to receiving appropriate or timely care, forcing us to wait until we reach crisis point before anyone pays attention. The stigma and misunderstanding surrounding eating disorders can make it incredibly difficult for those affected to seek help. For individuals in larger bodies, the challenge is even greater. They are quite often praised for losing weight, even if the methods they’re using are harmful and unsustainable. Healthcare professionals may overlook their symptoms, attributing them to a lack of willpower rather than recognising them as signs of a serious mental illness. One HCP during a Eating Disorder Assessment made a comment to me that "I should be happy I was now a "normal weight" and not obese". This comment stung, It invalidated my struggle and perpetuated the harmful myth that eating disorders only affect those who are underweight.
I first want to say my experience with Type 1 Disordered Eating (T1DE) is unique to me; no two stories are the same. While there may be common elements that run through everyone’s stories, each person has the right to speak their truth, and my truth is being in a bigger body while suffering with a Eating disorder has left me feeling that i do not deserve to get better.
So where does my journey with T1DE start?
During 2019 a year where i got married, went travelling to the other side of the world, was offered weight lost surgery by my health care team as i was 'obese' and got a promotion at work that demanded me to work all hours of the day without much reward. I began to deal with the ever building whirlwind that was my life by missing meals, running before work, during my lunch break and weighing myself every day, I started to see the numbers fall, I felt pleased with myself one more day, another drop in weight. It became a little competition I was having with myself, and one I was winning. However it didn't take long before I was in trouble but i hide my struggles from my wife, my work colleagues my health care team as I believed that no one would think I was struggling with a eating disoerder because I was in a bigger body.
As the Eating Disorder started to wrap its tight hold around me I started to take less and less insulin. “I can’t do this anymore,” i screamed as I threw my insulin pump at the wall. I knew the risks, but at that moment, I didn’t care. Within three days, my wife was rushing me to A&E in the back of an Uber due to Diabetic Ketoacidosis (DKA). This was my first DKA admission ever. I was not only in physical pain my heart trying to break out of my chest, unable to breathe, my mouth like sandpaper, and my stomach feeling like it had been punched repeatedly but also mentally disoriented. I was physically there, but my mind was somewhere else, confused about what was happening to my body. I couldn't catch up with my thoughts, but my head was screaming, "DANGER", don’t let them put that stuff into you, it’s poison, it will harm you." you would rather be skinny than healthy.
Over the coming months i began to realise the more weight i lost the better i felt, nothing felt as good as being skinner did. I wanted to lose more, faster, quicker but the longer this went on, the more hospital admissions followed and the more my mind started to question what else can i do to loose more weight. I believed that what i was doing was what i needed to do to survive.
In my own journey, I’ve experienced the isolation and pain of living with an eating disorder in a larger body. I’ve felt the sting of judgment and the frustration of not being taken seriously. I reached out to the Eating Disorder Community and those who have struggled with T1DE and, one common theme i kept hearing over and over again as i collected stories from other was how a lot of people with Eating Disorder are trying their absolute hardest to recover while feeling like there is no place for them to belong or no appropriate treatment available. One of my main struggle has been that being in a bigger body makes you feel invisible. I am still on my recovery journey, and this isn’t a guide on how to get better I wish I had one. Managing Type 1 diabetes adds another layer of complexity to recovery. Recovery is a winding path with many ups and downs. Some days are filled with determination and progress, while others are marked by setbacks and doubt. But each step forward, no matter how small, is a victory although to some it will never be enough.
If you’re struggling with an eating disorder, know that you are not alone. Your pain is valid, speak your truth, and remember that you are deserving of care and compassion, no matter your size. For me that started with being in a room full of people who was walking this journey too and they reminded me that each day of choosing health and self-compassion is a testament to the resilience of the human spirit and by addressing the barriers that people in larger bodies face, we can move forward towards a more comprehensive and compassionate approach to eating disorder treatment for all individuals, regardless of body size.
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